Hey guys! Presley here with some random thoughts that I have collected this whole past year. With the start of nursing school this Spring semester, being without a nurse for the past several months for Leo, etc. I have decided to throw out this idea that if I don't wake up and start my day at 6AM or earlier then I'm lazy, a failure, or not starting the day right. Growing up in the Crossfit&weightlifting community was such a blessing, but over time I think I decided that I had to completely fill out my day working towards something. Anything. Whether that was waking up early, doing morning cardio, doing meal prep, doing hours of training, being up and about doing anything to get myself out of the house. Working towards the end goals. Yet, now that I have Leo, a lot has changed over time, and my routines have changed. From a waking up at "5AMER" to getting up at maybe 7:30 and taking a nap shortly after that... It's changed completely, but so has my whole life! Let me explain - ![]() As you can see to the side, this is my morning routine when I do not have to work. (Wednesday-Friday). Actually I wake up around the same time when I have to work, and I perform the top 4 steps to my routine, and instead of taking a nap or looking through my daily agenda of what to do today - I start my day at work. Thinking about this versus what I used to do before Leo made me have real harsh comments to myself. Especially in the AM. Sometimes I'd sleep through my alarm and wake up at 8:00-9:00ish. I'd look at the clock and instantly had a bad start to my morning because of those negative thoughts I had to myself. I thought I had wasted a good couple of hours. I felt bad for Leo because his cares and feed would be late, and it just wasn't how I wanted to start. Fast forward just a few months later. I have come to realize that some of the content that is out there such as - NO REST DAYS, WORK THROUGH THE PAIN, etc. is extremely TOXIC and UNHEALTHY. What I failed to realize once my schedule changed and bringing Leo home was that I have to stay up until midnight for his last feed. I have to wake back up at 1AM to turn off that feed. Not to mention the multiple times throughout the night that I have to tend to either him, malfunctioning monitors, or just discomfort from sleeping on a twin sized mattress in my living room. I have been tracking my sleep history the past month and my average sleep time is 6 hours and 20 minutes total including 3-5 disturbances per night. The people who wake up before the sun rises (not trying to be offensive bc I was one of those people too!!), they most likely get to bed pretty early. As well as having a consecutive solid 7-8 hours of sleep like all people should. So yes, I could wake up earlier than 7:30 or 8 on most days. Yet, my "bedtime" is 12:30 with the anticipation that I will be up but a half hour or 1 hour later to tend to Leo's feed. So I have stopped making myself feel terrible for "oversleeping" when in fact it's not oversleeping at all. It's my body telling me I need this recovery because with every morning routine, there is a night routine - and my night routine doesn't end until 1AM. Moral of the story - don't beat yourself up, take recovery and your sleep seriously, your lifestyle is different than everyone else's, and honestly... no one cares if you wake up at 4AM or 9AM.
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I have never been one to like making goals at the beginning of the year. I feel as though if I want to accomplish something then a day in the year isn't going to determine my "start date". What I do like about the new year and a sort of tradition I like to do at the beginning of the year is choose a specific word to live my life by for that year. I feel as though choosing a word rather than specific goals helps me prioritize tasks in all aspects of my life.
This year, I've decided that my word is "Focus". I want to focus on what is important in my life during this season. I am starting the nursing program this semester (January 19th!), and I have many other things in my life that cause me stressors which can easily be diminished. I have a taxing job that doesn't let me off work as much as I'd like, I often take work home since I can't finish it during the 9 hours in the office, and I end up focusing on the negative when I come home. Thus, my word for this year is "focus". I CAN NOT let one stressor in my life completely devour my whole attitude and energy. I need to focus on what is important (yes, my job is important, but there are others out there) I have worked way too hard to let a job get in the way of my goals of becoming a nurse. The past several months have been more difficult, and I don't see it getting better. Which is why I need to accept that and re-focus on what matters in life. Leo knows when I'm stressed, Trent knows when I bring back home that negativity, and it effects all aspects of my health. Now with clinicals coming up, I need to stay as healthy as possible. I need to focus on my studies, my family, Leo's health, my own health, my relationship with Trent, and also what makes me happy. I have no doubt that the next year is going to be filled with sleepless nights, training that lasts til' midnight, countless study hours, but I need to focus on what is going to get me farther in the life that I have worked so hard to create for myself. And as a reminder to all you folks (I haven't written a blog in a while, oops!) I plan to graduate as an RN, work part time as Leo's nurse, and work part time in a NICU where I can use my experiences with Leo for good and help other parents in their NICU journey. I have other goals as well with weightlifting, and they are just as important to me as my career goals. I hope to re-focus this year on getting closer towards those goals. I have never been so determined to accomplish what I have set out for myself. I don't believe in motivation. I think it's a quick fix to get yourself off the couch every once in a while, but I truly do believe in discipline. So here I am to say that I will be FOCUSING on what is important in my life, being mindful of the energy I'm putting out to the people in my life, and working towards the goals that I have made for myself! Just wanted to give you all a little reminder... Leo and little children (children IN GENERAL) are extremely susceptible for all kinds of illnesses during this time of year. October-March is the absolute worst time of year for children. It's referred to as RSV season. This is when children like Leo get sick the most, need to stay isolated, parents and other adults need to be more mindful of germs that may pass onto their children. With this being said, I want to dive into why I named this blog "You're Not Failing, Momma" (this could also apply to all the Dads out there as well!)
Going home, I had multiple doctors make me aware that though we are discharged home - hospital trips/stays would happen quite often. They wanted to assure me that I wasn't a failure because of this, and it's just due to the nature of Leo having a trach. A trach child has no way of filtering the air they breathe. The stoma is literally a direct airway into the lungs. Leo gets sick around once a month. We can usually tell this by the color changes and odor of his secretions, him being limp while sleeping, not being as alert during the day, tiredness, agitation, and of course a temperature. We have learned all of this through time and unfortunately trial/error. There has been a couple times where we thought we were in the clear by just using tylenol to help with Leo's sickness, and then in the middle of the night we are driving him to the ER with a O2 sat of 70 while performing rescue breaths with our ambu-bag. Leo's been home for about 7 months now, and just these past 2 months we were able to catch his sickness before it worsened, and treat with antibiotics at home. It is 10/23/20 and Leo has been admitted since 10/18/20. Sunday, he didn't seem terrible. Maybe some trouble breathing, a couple d-sats, but when he gets so limp that he doesn't react to anything that's when we start to get nervous. The reason why we didn't just ask for antibiotics or this sickness is because he had literally finished a round of antibiotics on 10/13/20. So he was still sick after 5 days of finishing a whole 10 days of being on antibiotics. Turns out he has pneumonia and a staph growing in his trach. (this is completely "normal" for him) This happens every once in a while where his illness is worse than the normal case of tracheitis. Now we've been in the hospital longer than anticipated but only because we are working on modifying his medications so he doesn't create a mucous plug after each trach change. (Poor Bub's mucous is too thick that he plugs his trach, and he isn't able to breathe. There are medications to loosen the secretions to prevent this. They have been finding the perfect dosage for him) As of right now, the plan is to leave 10/23/20, TODAY! So I thought it was a good opportunity to write about it, and just say to everyone that you're not failing because of this. Kids like Leo get sick ALL the time. And when they do get sick, it's not the normal sickness. Their oxygen drops, heart rates could drop, emergency plans are created and followed through. This isn't because of something you did or didn't do. I don't get upset when he goes into the hospital anymore because I know I am taking the proper precautions, our nurse is, and other people in contact with Leo are as clean/careful as they can possibly be. You're the parent, and you'll learn/adapt to your child's sickness. Again, for the parents that need to hear it one more time - you are not a failure! This happens, and it will happen again in the future. Thanks, all ! Hey, all. I just wanted to touch on the subject of having another child. Which isn't really sensitive in my opinion. I feel indifferent about the situation to be honest with you. First off, I'll just tell you all that I definitely pictured myself living in a house with 2 or 3 kids running around, playing, becoming best friends. You know if you have siblings... I have some of my best memories as a child with my siblings and our cousins growing up. I enjoyed living with other children, and I liked having that big family. So as I grew older, I kind of always knew that I wanted a family with kidS. Yet, with Leo, I feel as if my plans have changed.
No one ever thinks while getting pregnant that anything bad will happen. Or maybe they do. I am not sure. I was more nervous about being a mom, being ready, closing on our house, rather than Leo's health. None of my family members had congenital health issues, no pre-mature births, and for the most part we are pretty healthy. The same goes for Trent's part of the family. So I assumed that I would have a normal pregnancy like everyone else I knew and have our Leo. Though things don't work out that way. EVER. Now living day to day life, I can't confidently say that I will have another child. As of right now, I am more on the side of not wanting another child. Yet, that could be because Leo hasn't been home all that long (about 6 months), we are still adjusting to our lifestyle, and I am also going to nursing school. There is A LOT on our plate right now as parents, full time workers, etc. I want to have the energy to be the best parent I can be for my Bub right now, and I couldn't imagine being the best in anything while being pregnant. (not to mention I absolutely hated pregnancy. i did not enjoy it whatsoever. up until I saw my perfect Bub, of course) You also have to think and really empathize with what happened this past year - We had an extremely traumatic event happen. Yes, Leo is the best thing on earth, and I love him more than anything, but when parents go through these issues with a child. It changes you. It brings a pain that can't even be described with words. You know how people say that they'd die for another person they love? Well. I'd die for Leo to just have 1 minute of a "normal" life. A life where he didn't need a ventilator, he could laugh, smile, and play like how he should be at his age. I make the best of our situation, but don't think for one minute that I wouldn't give anything to give that boy a better chance at life. And seeing my first child go through all of this... It feels like the universe is pulling out one heart string at a time after each day that goes by. Knowing that this is his life, and I am his mother. I will do everything for him for as long as I live, but I wish I could had given him a better life. Another thing I mentioned in my post that is a pretty deep sadness that I have in my heart is the fact that I feel my body rejected being pregnant. I can't understand being infertile or going through multiple miscarriages to wind up never being able to keep a baby. Yet, I understand the feeling that as a woman - my body was made to produce children. The fact that I couldn't keep a pregnancy as long as I should have; I couldn't produce a healthy child. It cuts me to my core. Which is why I love/compete in weightlifting. I have the power to make a 10lbs weight cut the day before, you know why? That requires discipline, and I can suffer a whole lot. I have the power to perfect each and every lift I make, putting my body through the ringer, staying up and repeating drill after drill. I can mold my body the way I want, and I can make myself good enough to be a f*cking, fierce competitor. Yet, when you're pregnant. You can do everything right. You can take the vitamins. You can exercise lightly. You can eat all the nutrients they recommend. You can listen to your doctor. But that doesn't matter. It does to a certain extent, of course, but there are just some things that you can't control with pregnancy, and that is definitely scary. So with that being said and having that feeling of no control while carrying another human being, the fear of having to make the same decisions with another baby, I can't confidently say we would have another. That isn't to say that it's not impossible to have another one or no one else wouldn't want more if they went through what we have with our Leo. It's just that I am not mentally or physically ready to have another. I've also not decided if I ever will be mentally or physically ready, and that's okay. I think people tend to pressure other women with one child to have another, but you don't know what they've gone through with that one child. Maybe that one child was their rainbow baby, and they are soaking up that season in their life with that one child. Maybe they had one child and there were complications that made them decide on getting their tubes tied right afterwards. Who knows! We personally have gone through such traumatic events with our Leo, that we can't even begin to think about another. Again, we are only 6 months in to having him home with us, and I just want to cherish being his Momma in this season of our lives right now. Hello, everyone!! So happy to be talking about this subject (as silly as that sounds) Yet, I feel like the past couple months I have truly learned so much about my own nutrition, healthy recipes, and some solid snacks that are healthy and not completely disgusting. HA.
Anyways, I did want to preface this blog by saying that at the moment I am cutting to get into the 49k (107.8lbs) weight class at the end of October. Yes, I also do count my own macros. I don't have a coach or a nutritionist to help me, but I just typed my goals into the MyFitnessPal app, and it customized my macros to meet my needs. As of right now, below are my macros for one day: 1600 Calories 80g Protein 200g Carb 53g Fat Full disclosure - I always go up in my protein. I eat around 110g of protein a day and cut back on the carbs. I can never hit my carbs. Yet, I am sure to always stay around 1500-1600 calories a day. My bodyweight sits right around 50.9k - 51.9k (112lbs - 114lbs) by following these macros. 1 week out I do plan on manipulating my sodium, carb, and water intake to make the 49k cut easier on my body. That way I won't have to lower my calories anymore than 1500 -1600 because your girl likes to eat! Now, this is a temporary meal plan. After this meet, I do plan on upping my calories back to normal. Around 1900-2000 is where I feel comfortable with maintaining my weight and gaining strength. Then if all goes as planned, I will cut back to 49k just in time for March to compete at the Arnold Classic - which happens to by University Nationals! Now let's get to the FOOD. In the morning, I tend to be heavier with my fat intake so it will satiate me until lunch time. I have a problem with waking up at 6:30 AM, eating right away then sitting at my desk during work and feeling like I need to eat another thing before my lunch break. My top breakfast of the day are frozen Kodiak Cakes with peanut butter on top of them. I eat 1 Thick n Fluffy frozen buttermilk/vanilla waffle with 1-1.5tbsp of peanut butter. Below are the macros for this - 330calories 26.5gcarbs 18.5gfat 13.5g protein Again, this is pretty high in fat, but that is intentional. It is to keep me full until lunch time. Which it does the trick! This with a cup of Coffee Over Cardio Espresso Fit... Mmmm. And they're fricken' frozen waffles, they taste good and they are super easy. With my lunch. I NEVER change this up. With breakfast, you could always make a couple egg whites, oats with peanut butter, etc. I used to do that, but it didn't keep me that full. Yet, with lunch, this is my go to. I never eat anything else for lunch - 3 ozChicken, 4 oz Broccolli, 0.5 container of Uncle Ben's Ready Rice. I know, it's not that fancy, but I like to sometimes drizzle some hot sauce or buffalo sauce over the meal after heating it up. The macros are below - 313calories 48.4gcarbs 4.2g fat 24.6g protein Super simple and easy to prep at home. You can change up the broccoli with peppers. You can substitute the chicken with another type of meat. For dinner, I sometimes like to make a variation of this - Which is 2.5oz Steak, 85g Bell Pepper, 0.5 container of rice. Then drizzled with some hot sauce to give it a little kick! I love those simple hearty meals, and the possibilities are endless when it comes to changing up the meats, and the veggies. All the macros are pretty much the same, and you can see that I did have a higher carb intake since it's lunch time and closer to when I usually train. Fats are significantly lowered since I personally gain weight while eating fats, and I feel bloated. Which isn't how I want to feel before training. THEN... SNACK TIME - I make sure to eat at least 1 snack a day. Depending on how my macros line up. Because there are definitely days when I skip breakfast (not intentionally) or even lunch depending on how the work day is going. Or the latter, when I eat 2 different things for breakfast and don't leave enough calories for a snack... Below are my go-to's. The Builder Bar from Cliff Bar. I have also used this as a breakfast item because I will say, though the macros are good, and it doesn't taste like a normal protein bar (I hate protein bars like Quest... I just don't like the texture AT ALL) it is pretty high in calories for a "snack" Below are the macros - 300 calories 29g carb 11g fat 20g protein I love how much protein you get from the bar, the taste/texture is great, but just realize that this is 300 calories. My other go-to that I eat EVERYDAY. Now this is my pre-WOD snack 99% of the time. Unless if I run out, but I've never had to do that because I literally always have these stocked up. And again, so convenient. My Oats Over Night! These are absolute heaven. I love overnight oats, and I did try these for breakfast for a while. Yet, with them being so high in Carb/Protein, I wouldn't feel as full throughout the day, and I felt the need to snack more while at work. Which is why I changed it to my pre-workout snack! Below are the Macros for the Maple Overnight Oats with 8oz of Almond Milk (there are multiple flavors which differ slightly)- 320 calories 40g carb 8.5g fat 22g protein So you can see I definitely have that higher carb intake with this snack. Yes, the calories are higher, but I do need them in order to have a good quality training session. Super easy, a little expensive, but I find that the price is worth it if buying in bulk. I got 40 for around $70..? Which sounds like a lot, but I haven't needed to buy any in like 2 months. It just depends if you think it's worth it or not. As far as desserts go... I don't eat desserts :( I consider my waffle something a little sweeter, and I drink my Coffee Over Cardio Hydrate mix with water. The flavors I have are Candy Watermelon and Peach Tea. They are really sweet, and that satisfies any late night sweet cravings I may have. (Use 10PRESLEYCRUZ to get 10% off all your purchases! They truly are a great company, and I love working with them!) So when I had my calories a teeny bit higher at 1650, below was one of the "perfect" days I hit my macros (50% carb, 20% protein, 30% fat)- Breakfast: Thick Fluffy Kodiak Cake Waffle w/ PB Sugarfree Pumpkin Spice Creamer (2tbsp with Espresso Fit Coffee from Coffee Over Cardio) Lunch: 3oz Chicken 4oz Broccoli 0.5 container of Uncle Ben's Ready Rice Dinner: 2.5oz grilled Steak 31.5g Sweet potato fries Snacks throughout the day: Chocolate Peanut Butter Banana Overnight Oats (Pre training snack) Advocare Pre-workout Pink Lemonade (with Pre-training snack) Candy Watermelon Hydrate from Coffee Over Cardio (before bed time rehydration) Fiber One Bar (140 calories - didn't mention this in the blog, but a mid morning snack) So you see, there are definitely ways to eat healthy, measure out your food, and prep while also being a busy Momma. I don't starve myself as you can see. There are definitely options out there that take little to no prep, have good macros, and will keep you full throughout the day. Just listen to your body, know your goals, and go from there! ![]() Hey guys! As always thank you for coming over and reading the TubieStrong blog. I did want to dig into a pretty serious subject that isn't necessarily controversial but can be an extremely sensitive topic to talk about. As you can tell from the title, I want to talk about the decision on whether to put your child through a tracheostomy or not. With the "or not" meaning that your child will pass. As both Trent and I had to make that decision of - were we going to have Leo live or not. Being a fresh 22 year old, first time, Momma this question laid extremely heavy on me. Yet, I believe that any doctor asking you to play God and choose if your child lives or passes would be extremely traumatic for anyone at any age. I just couldn't fathom the fact that I was deciding whether a living human was going to live or not. Now, with Leo's case, you can read in his bio that he just never developed those innate functions, with one of those being breathing. He was completely dependent on a ventilator and after 4 months, they had told us we would need to make a decision whether to give him a trach or pull the tubes and have him pass. Now, Leo is my only child, I was in nursing school at the time anyways, and I have always wanted to be a mother. I knew that I had the common knowledge and determination to take care of my child with a trach. After speaking with Trent, he had concurred. Now, that doesn't mean that this decision is for everyone. At the hospitals we went to, they did an amazing job with knowing how fragile this decision was and that there are other families out there that have decided to choose the latter option. I don't have any other children besides Leo, but I couldn't have imagined training to pretty much be a full time nurse and staying at the hospital for over a year. I am not sure how trach training would go with juggling other children, a job, a relationship, and not going completely mad. Another example that I've heard or read in articles is that the prognosis for your child is not promising anyways, and it's much better in their minds to not put them through anymore than they would have to. Leo is an extremely complex kiddo. He has neuromuscular issues as well as not having the ability to breathe and eat on his own. Yet, at the end of the day, Leo is a sassy, little toddler that knows he's loved and is able to love back. It's subtle when he shows his happiness, but he definitely has an angry face and will tell you like it is when he's upset! Because I can still see his emotion, he is able to react to certain things I do, then that is what shows me quality of life. To me, sure he gets sick more often than the average child, and when he does get sick it is a more urgent scenario. Yet, I know once he gets better, we can sit in Mr. Bean Bag, put some Spongebob on, and he will be a happy toddler again. Which that brings me to my next point - It all depends on the parent's point of view on what quality of life actually means. Some parents think being on a ventilator is the point in which quality of life is not good. As for me, personally, I drew the line when doctors had considered putting a pacemaker in his heart. Both Trent and I felt as though that would be tiring on his little body to shock himself back to life only to do it again. (This was during a period in which Leo would have episodes in which he had his heart rate to 0 and then back to normal. They lasted only seconds, but he does have a long history of low heart rates, bradycardia, which brought the pacemaker conversation about) I do have a couple of lines that I don't want crossed in order for Leo to live. Those being - him taking in too much medication for pain, seizures, etc. to make him so sleepy that he isn't able to actually live and a pacemaker. I want Leo to be alert and awake and enjoy life with us. I, also personally don't want to put him through anymore surgeries like the pacemaker in order for him to just survive. I've seen him go through so much as a parent that I don't have the heart to keep pushing his body to do something that it obviously is no longer capable of doing. Unfortunately, there are also parents who are just not knowledgable enough to go through this type of training. It took around 3-4 months to be trach/g-tube trained, and it took me a couple more months after having him home to feel fully comfortable with Leo's needs. You can't be hesitant, and you need to remember plans A,B,C,D, etc. when things take a turn for the worst. Now Dayton Children's required there being 2 caregivers taught, and both my mom and Trent's mom are fully trained to watch Leo on their own. It's extremely helpful to have that extra bit of help, especially if Trent and I just need a little date night or something like that. Yet, some people aren't fortunate enough to have that kind of support. What I loved about my experience with Dayton Children's is that I could have said anything, and they would have fully respected either option if I were to choose a different one for Leo. So I guess what I'm trying to say is that there is no right answer. You're the parent, you're the only one that knows your situation, you're going by your standards of quality of life not anyone else's, and you know what you can handle/what your child can handle. If there is anyone that does read this and you are struggling with this decision just know that it's YOUR decision and no one else's. Again, this blog is to bring raw content and my personal experiences/thoughts to the table. Yet, since this was a more serious and fragile subject, I promise to even things out with a little more of a light-hearted subject next time. See you next time, all! P.S. The first picture above is one of the first pictures I took of Leo after his surgery. His face was all cleaned up and we saw it for the first time after almost 5 months! The below pictures are from being admitted after only being home for but 12 hours after discharging from the hospital for the first time. We called 911 in the middle of the night due to Leo having convulsing seizures, high temp, constant d-saturations, and extremely high heart rate. He had a nasty adenovirus and was admitted for another week after that. ![]() Welcome back to the blog, everyone! I am so excited to dive deep into this topic that I have for you guys. As most of you all know, I have been weightlifting since I was 14. So almost 10 years now! Anyways, I want to give a basic breakdown of the past decade in my athletic career, where I am now competitively, and what my future plans are. Especially now that I'm going to nursing school, working full time, and a full time Momma! To make this somewhat brief, I started weightlifting competitively around age 15. I placed 7th at my first Youth Nationals in the 58k class. (I was literally like 53.3k, but my then coach didn't have me cut) I then competed as a 58k again at Junior Nationals when I was 17. I may have placed 6th? Then after 5 years, I decided to break out of my extremely toxic athlete/coach relationship (I will not be talking about that as the situation doesn't deserve any of my energy after years of healing myself) At that time, I was 19, and I went on to drop to that 53k weight class, find quality coaching, and compete at a higher level with a whole lotta fire in my belly. I placed at my first Junior Nationals when I was 20. Throughout those couple of years, I also competed at the local/state level often. I had hopes to making a USA team, but... at 21 I found out I was preggers with my Leo. ;) Now, 18 months later, I am in the 49k weight class (only because my wisdom teeth surgery fudged me up so bad that I couldn't eat solid food for almost 2 weeks and I dropped from 121 to around 113). Then I thought why not! Let's drop a few more lbs to compete lighter. My 4ft 11in frame fits the 49k lifter body type more anyways. I also want to mention that "Mom strength" is real. I've broken almost all of my pre-baby PR's while cutting to a lighter weight class. So with all of this being said, here is a low down on what goes on in a day now that I'm not only an athlete, but a nursing student, full time worker, and Momma. I wake up around 6:30AM, set up medical supplies for Leo's nurse, grab my breakfast (I use MyFitnessPal to track my meals/meal prep the night before, so I don't have to worry about making anything before work). After that it's 8 hours of sitting behind a desk, nothing too exciting. Around 4:30 when I come home I will immediately take my vitamins/pre-workout. They usually take an hour or so to kick in, so in between that time I hang with the Bubs and/or do some homework. Once I'm ready, I will train for the Catalyst Athletics' free WOD downstairs in my basement. Takes about an hour.... After that it's dinner time, snuggles with my Hubs and Bubs then I study/clean until around midnight so I can feed Bub at that time. Then I finally go to bed around midnight/1ish. In college I heard that you have 3 things - Sleep, Social, and Study. Yet, you can only choose 2 to do well in. It's somewhat true for what I am going through right now except it's - Work, School, Weightlifting, and Momma. There are days when I'm downstairs longer than anticipated, and I have such mom-guilt for leaving my Bubby in his room; so I lack in the Momma factor. Then there's times when I just sit and lay down with Leo and watch a movie, but then I lack as a nursing student because I know my ass needs to study. Then there's days when I don't go into work because I need to take Leo to the hospital - great Momma, not a reliable worker. There is absolutely no such thing as perfect balance. Let me tell ya that. You prioritize what you think is right in the current moment. I have to really think to myself sometimes and say, "well when was the last time I read Leo a book before bed time?" so I plan to cut my training short or make that day a rest day. Or if Finals/exams/research papers are due soon. I get quick Leo snuggles, maybe a quick sauna sesh and I study for the majority of my night. And just because Leo is disabled, it doesn't matter. I'd still have to make priorities between these things in my life even if he were average. Like MANY other mothers have to. So those picture perfect, insta moms - I praise you for handling it all with such grace and beauty because I sure as hell don't. The purpose of this blog/my social media isn't to fabricate my life into something that makes it seem as if I have it all. Because I don't. I lose my shit all the time, and life is just hard. But I do want to say that though it's hard taking on these roles as an athlete, momma, worker, and student. You can do it. It's all about prioritizing and choosing which role you want to excel in, in the current chapter your life is in. Well that's a wrap guys. Keep coming back to see what my future goals are for lifting AFTER nursing school! I mentioned a few accounts/people that I follow to better myself as an athlete on my Insta post. I truly rely on other people on Youtube, social media, etc. when it comes to my training since I do it 100% alone, so here are their names and why I follow them. Thanks all for the read, and until next time! - @catalystathletics: I follow their FREE daily wod. You just have to sign up on their website. They also offer many other weightlifting programs that may better suit your goals. @simplymander: I follow her because she taught me EVERYTHING about macros. I would literally cut 10lbs of weight a few days out from a meet because all I knew how to do is make myself sweat to lose weight. I didn't have much knowledge as far as nutrition, tracking food, and what/how much I should eat in order to cut weight HEALTHILY. I also aspire to have the kind of positive energy she has as well. @aimees2cents: Since I follow Catalyst, I have to follow Aimee, right?? But seriously, she provides such truth in her social media, and with having such a traumatic relationship with my first male coach I really look up to her/respect the content she provides her followers. @alyssaritchey: I've followed her journey for so long and as a fellow 49k'er, I feel like we have similar body types/mechanics. She is one of the few women who I really try to mimmick/learn from technique wise with lifting. Some people may see that more as comparing myself to her, and I wouldn't necessarily disagree with that. I just use comparison in a healthy way to better myself as an athlete. She also hosts the bittypodcast which provides great, free content for athletes. @coffeeovercardio: I mainly follow this group for the community. I've connected with such strong women in this group, and with the quarantine it's hard to stay connected to people like that. Everyone just empowers one another and that's the kind of positivity I'm trying to surround myself with. ![]() Good Monday afternoon, all! I wanted to share a little bit about my life as a college student. Many people are aware that I'm a nursing student, but they don't know that the end goal is to be my son's nurse. Let me explain. Before I started working for a home health company, I had no idea that there were clinicians such as nurses, PT's, OT's, and others that would actually go into a patient's home to work with them. I was only 18 at the time I started working for home health as a clerk, so now I'm more knowledgable as far as the behind the scenes goes for home health. There are many rules, regulations, and certain precautions (especially now with COVID) that clinicians must take when entering a patient's home. Before Leo, the goal was to be a PEDS nurse at a hospital. I wanted to work the floor and had NO desire to work for a home health agency. Yet, with Leo's circumstances, there is a way for me to be my son's nurse and work for a home health agency. So pretty much get paid for what I'm already doing now. To share a little bit of my current experiences with school, I am completing the last of my pre-requisites for an RN program this semester, but I have been on the LPN waiting list for almost a year now at Clark State Community College. Honestly it's whatever program will take me first is the one that I'm going to stick with. (IT'S SO TEMPTING TO JUST GET A $20,000 LOAN TO GO TO FORTIS OR HONDROS then finish next year, but you're girl doesn't have that kind of money) Ideally, I'd love to get into the LPN program this 2021 Spring semester, and after 2 semesters be hired to be Leo's nurse. Then continue my education while working as one of his nurses. Isn't it so cool that they give you that opportunity?? It blew my mind when they told me that I can finish school and get paid to be a stay at home mom. Yet, I don't mean to downplay the role as a caregiver to a child like Leo. Our current home health nurse (who is a complete angel) stated that Leo is their agency's most unstable case. My first thought was, meh... Really? Because I have been with him since birth, I know him, I know when he's getting sick, I know what triggers him, what will cause him to get sick, and what to do in emergency situations. So with the knowledge that I've acquired of taking care of him for 18 months, I can't wrap my mind around the fact that he is the "most unstable" case. Yet, it's true. One trip to the ER, I explained to the nurse that I had to give Leo emergency breaths all the way to the ER as his oxygen level plummeted. She just looked at me like I was crazy and even said that she would think I'd be more rattled. I never am because I have had quality training, and I know my son. But like I said, that's not a reason to underestimate the skill it takes to care for Leo. I will say. If it wasn't for Leo, I'm not sure I would be finishin nursing school. I am comfortable with my job, I love my hours, and it gives me OK pay for not having a degree. I am not grateful that my son has had to go through so much, but in a way I am happier with myself after being given this great motivation to finish school. I'd do anything for my child, and finishing nursing school is something I owe to both him and myself. If you are in a similar situation as me, I would highly recommend you consider working towards your LPN. Even if your child isn't in as extreme circumstances as Leo, I think it's a great option to be with your special needs kiddo if they require home health. Well that's a little bit about me and the student life. I only do it part time, but it's HARD balancing everything out. I'm not saying it's easy. Be ready to have even later nights and less time for yourself, but it will be worth it in the next year or two. I'll be sure to keep you all in the loop in the next couple months as I get further into the program! ![]() I don't mean to get too into it with this blog today, but I wanted to express my thoughts as a grieving mother to a person who has never gone through something like this. We weren't under the impression that Leo was going to need a trach, be ventilator dependent, and never gain those innate functions. He is now slowly learning to express his emotions, we are working on expressing his happiness (because he definitely doesn't need taught on showing us how angry he gets! Clearly from this ornery picture!) I also want to preface this by saying that I am incredibly thankful to have a baby as sweet as Leo to still love on. We have almost lost him a handful of times and each time he is sick we become fearful. We are absolutely filled with gratitude to still be able to take care of and raise him. Yet, we are grateful for what we've been through, and I want to share some of my personal thoughts on his trach journey. And why saying the term, "There is a reason for this", may be hurtful and the absolute last thing someone wants to hear. Yes, I know most people meant well when they would say that there is a reason for this, there is purpose in the pain, but would you be able to take me saying that to you when it's about your CHILD's pain? Do you think having 2 renown hospitals go through months of testing all to tell you nothing can be found for your child? No diagnosis, no cure, being in complete unknown? And lastly, do you think I want to hear you say that after having a doctor give me the choice to have my child live or not? (Another blog post I plan on diving deeper as deciding on a tracheostomy for your child is incredibly heavy, especially when it means life or death.) I couldn't stand when people would tell me that this was for a reason and good was going to come out of this. As I was going through this decision, and it wasn't the decision (I knew I was going to have Leo with me no matter what) it was seeing my child in pain after 2 surgeries. It was seeing him go through something that I made him go through to live, and hearing the doctors say that his prognosis isn't good with or without the trach. It was grieving for my child knowing that he wouldn't have a normal childhood and also grieving for both Trent and I knowing we aren't going to enjoy parenthood like everyone else. Nowadays, I am pretty level-headed with where Leo is, he seems to be progressing, we are happy, and love taking care of him at home. He seems like a normal toddler to us with him being so sassy! We just have a different routine than everyone else. He gets fed through the G-Tube, gets his meds, breathing treatments, and just has more doctors appointments than most kiddos. But other than that, when he is feeling healthy - he is just an adorable, little babe like everyone else! Yet, when you are going through the stickiness, it just plain sucks and I seriously questioned my faith, medicine, and everything that humans look to for guidance/comfort. As horrible as this sounds, I felt as if I couldn't lean on God because He allowed it to happen, and I had many conversations with God that I am not proud of. Yet, I'm not perfect, and He doesn't expect me to be. With struggling in my faith, I also struggled with believing in science. Like, seriously you guys? Leo CANNOT be the first baby to have gone through this. With all of these medical advances, there is absolutely nothing you can come up with? Nothing you can tell me to not even cure him - just tell me what's wrong. Nothing. So what is there to believe in after both seem to fail you? All of this hurt and disappointment then to have someone tell you it's for a reason. No. Sometimes it's not. I work Sundays, so I have to listen to my sermons online at my office. I keep going back to this one series. It's 3 parts that he had actually extended for years. The first is titled, "It Will Happen", then "It Had to Happen, and lastly "I'm Glad It Happened". I'm still working on the last one. Yet, it's more so about being glad of what came out of what you are going through. So I can understand that, but there isn't a day that goes by that I wouldn't trade this life for a normal life Leo could live. From the titles you can probably get the gist - bad things will happen, bad things had to happen in order for your life to go a certain way, and learning how to be grateful that said bad things happened due to how your life turned out and what came out of everything. He didn't speak about a reason for these bad things happening. Instead he spoke of the revelations that would come. Revelation over reason, and I've tried my hardest to have faith in what has come out of everything rather than be pissed all the time about why Leo's life is the way it is. He has touched so many lives, I am now FINALLY finishing nursing school because of him, and I have learned true gratitude. So if you happen to know someone going through something somewhat similar. Just know that this is bigger than what you realize. Even if you don't have words to explain how you feel or what you want to say - that is saying something. And it's a whole helluva lot better than saying that things happen for a reason. I don't need a reason. I need a shoulder to cry on, a friend to lean on, and someone I can talk to without trying to tie a reason to everything happening. ![]() Hello! Thanks all for giving this blog a read. I wanted to give you all a few ideas as far as using everyday items/good finds that could help you with your trach child (this blog will also mention items to use for babies/children who may have developmental delays as well.) DISCLAIMER - I am not a professional, doctor, or therapist. These are items I use for my Leo that I know benefit him and us! These are just some good buys, household items, etc. that I've found useful for raising him. 1.) Bean Bag- Get a bean bag. Just do it. Leo's PT at Dayton Children's was a complete angel and she gave us the idea to get Leo a bean bag after we discharged from the hospital for good. Originally, Leo could only nap in his Momma-Roo (Link for Momma Roo will be posted because though it is a little expensive, bubs LOVED it), but as he grew into a big toddler... he needed another place for his naps. He also does NOT like his crib. So we got a medium sized bean bag from Home Goods. He naps in it, we can mold it which helps while he practices being in an upright position, it helps him be more comfortable during as we can adjust the incline as needed by molding it. That way he is comfortable sitting up while also being able to challenge him. Everything I do for Leo, therapy-wise, I try to make a positive experience. For example, sitting up. He does not like it whatsoever. Yet, if I use the bean bag and slowly sit him up little by little he gets used to the incline. And he loves his bean bag, so using something he loves helps him adapt to that position and make it into a more positive experience He has a tomato seat which is pretty much a booster seat for him to practice with. Yet, it's hard, clunky, he is extremely upright, and he sinks into the seat making it uncomfortable. He always has a negative experience while practicing with it. He is a smart baby and knows when he is getting into it because within a couple minutes he will drop his heart rate. Whereas, if I use the bean bag, he may have a higher respiratory rate because he is still being challenged, but he doesn't mind it as much because he loves his bean bag. Thus, making his time practicing sitting up a more positive experience. 2.) Colander - A completely random item, I know! Yet, if you want to stimulate your baby, use this with natural sunlight from a window. Leo loves his night lights, but he can't see them during the day and if we shut off all the lights then he will definitely nap. Which isn't what we want when we try to stimulate him. Using the colander next to a window during the day makes Leo so excited and ready to play! Which means so much to me because with Leo working so hard to breathe everyday, he gets exhausted easily. 3.) Craft Filer - Again, Home Goods find, but I'm sure you could probably find something cheaper somewhere else. Anyways, this is a life-saver for organizing Leo's everyday medical equipment such as 2x2 gauzes for trach/g-tube care, sterile water cups, extra trachs for emergencies, suction catheters, and so much more! I think it can also look cute in the nursery as well. If you want to get really fancy.. then get a label maker. If you have other caregivers or nurses watching your child they will really appreciate this. This could also make or break an emergency. You will be so full of adrenaline and fear that the last thing you want to do is go crazy looking for something when you could just have had it organized/prepped before-hand. 4.) Pure Argan Oil - I know. RANDOM. Leo has extremely dry skin and nothing seemed to work to relieve his red, flaky skin. You will be in and out of the hospital due to admissions when your child is sick, and most hospitals are really dry. Leo's skin immediately reacts to the environment when we take him to the hospital. Even after a day or 2 admission, we will come back home and he will look so uncomfortable with his poor skin. (if you have this problem while visiting/staying at the hospital long-term, I recommend this product to you as well!) I personally use the pure argan oil and a body butter derived from argan oil. I tried an unscented argan oil body butter from Josie Maran's skin care line, and within hours - Leo's red patches on his tummy were completely gone. He had baby smooth skin which he has NEVER had. This product is expensive, but it goes a long way. I prefer this over the hydrocortisone that was prescribed to Leo as well. A link for the pure argan oil body butter that I use will be posted below. Well not too many things on the list, but I wanted to point out a few gems that I've found to be helpful with raising our bub. Again - not a professional. Just a few things that you don't have to buy or can find cheap online to help you on this journey. (I didn't post a link for the bean bag , colander, or craft filer because I thought those items would be pretty easy to find just by googling, and there is no specific brand I would recommend for any of those items) Thanks all for your time! Josie Maran Body Butter link: https://www.josiemarancosmetics.com/products/whipped-argan-oil-body-butter Momma Roo link: https://www.buybuybaby.com/store/product/4moms-reg-mamaroo-reg-4-classic-infant-seat-in-grey/1061817784 |
AuthorPresley T. Cruz Archives
January 2021
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