Hey, all. I just wanted to touch on the subject of having another child. Which isn't really sensitive in my opinion. I feel indifferent about the situation to be honest with you. First off, I'll just tell you all that I definitely pictured myself living in a house with 2 or 3 kids running around, playing, becoming best friends. You know if you have siblings... I have some of my best memories as a child with my siblings and our cousins growing up. I enjoyed living with other children, and I liked having that big family. So as I grew older, I kind of always knew that I wanted a family with kidS. Yet, with Leo, I feel as if my plans have changed.
No one ever thinks while getting pregnant that anything bad will happen. Or maybe they do. I am not sure. I was more nervous about being a mom, being ready, closing on our house, rather than Leo's health. None of my family members had congenital health issues, no pre-mature births, and for the most part we are pretty healthy. The same goes for Trent's part of the family. So I assumed that I would have a normal pregnancy like everyone else I knew and have our Leo. Though things don't work out that way. EVER. Now living day to day life, I can't confidently say that I will have another child. As of right now, I am more on the side of not wanting another child. Yet, that could be because Leo hasn't been home all that long (about 6 months), we are still adjusting to our lifestyle, and I am also going to nursing school. There is A LOT on our plate right now as parents, full time workers, etc. I want to have the energy to be the best parent I can be for my Bub right now, and I couldn't imagine being the best in anything while being pregnant. (not to mention I absolutely hated pregnancy. i did not enjoy it whatsoever. up until I saw my perfect Bub, of course) You also have to think and really empathize with what happened this past year - We had an extremely traumatic event happen. Yes, Leo is the best thing on earth, and I love him more than anything, but when parents go through these issues with a child. It changes you. It brings a pain that can't even be described with words. You know how people say that they'd die for another person they love? Well. I'd die for Leo to just have 1 minute of a "normal" life. A life where he didn't need a ventilator, he could laugh, smile, and play like how he should be at his age. I make the best of our situation, but don't think for one minute that I wouldn't give anything to give that boy a better chance at life. And seeing my first child go through all of this... It feels like the universe is pulling out one heart string at a time after each day that goes by. Knowing that this is his life, and I am his mother. I will do everything for him for as long as I live, but I wish I could had given him a better life. Another thing I mentioned in my post that is a pretty deep sadness that I have in my heart is the fact that I feel my body rejected being pregnant. I can't understand being infertile or going through multiple miscarriages to wind up never being able to keep a baby. Yet, I understand the feeling that as a woman - my body was made to produce children. The fact that I couldn't keep a pregnancy as long as I should have; I couldn't produce a healthy child. It cuts me to my core. Which is why I love/compete in weightlifting. I have the power to make a 10lbs weight cut the day before, you know why? That requires discipline, and I can suffer a whole lot. I have the power to perfect each and every lift I make, putting my body through the ringer, staying up and repeating drill after drill. I can mold my body the way I want, and I can make myself good enough to be a f*cking, fierce competitor. Yet, when you're pregnant. You can do everything right. You can take the vitamins. You can exercise lightly. You can eat all the nutrients they recommend. You can listen to your doctor. But that doesn't matter. It does to a certain extent, of course, but there are just some things that you can't control with pregnancy, and that is definitely scary. So with that being said and having that feeling of no control while carrying another human being, the fear of having to make the same decisions with another baby, I can't confidently say we would have another. That isn't to say that it's not impossible to have another one or no one else wouldn't want more if they went through what we have with our Leo. It's just that I am not mentally or physically ready to have another. I've also not decided if I ever will be mentally or physically ready, and that's okay. I think people tend to pressure other women with one child to have another, but you don't know what they've gone through with that one child. Maybe that one child was their rainbow baby, and they are soaking up that season in their life with that one child. Maybe they had one child and there were complications that made them decide on getting their tubes tied right afterwards. Who knows! We personally have gone through such traumatic events with our Leo, that we can't even begin to think about another. Again, we are only 6 months in to having him home with us, and I just want to cherish being his Momma in this season of our lives right now.
1 Comment
Susan Rhoades
10/16/2020 05:44:51 pm
Sweet Heart you are so strong and courageous.
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AuthorPresley T. Cruz Archives
January 2021
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